First off, no your vision is fine. Second, I do mean steak in that this is an insanely savory, meaty (gross, I know but applicable), decadent dinner. Even though it is made of cauliflower. Seriously check this puppy out:
This is not only a healthy dinner (ugh hate saying dinner two lines in a row but you know how I hate the word meal), but it has everything you want: crispy on the outside from searing, tender on the inside from roasting, tangy from balsamic vinegar, a little salt to since I need salt every meal and of course it's covered in CHEESE. So yeah minus real animal meat everything I want.
I found this recipe on a Tastemade snapchat video a few months ago, and remembered how amazing Katie made it look ever since. But I don't really go out of my way for cauliflower, and normally once purchased it has a specific use (veggies and dip, a side with dinner). Finally this weekend I noticed a head of cauliflower in the fridge that was purchased just because it looked good! Luckily for me I had just enjoyed a bagel sandwich for brunch and an ice cream sundae for a late lunch/dinner so I was on a hunt for something veggie-packed that I would make me feel a bit more balanced.
And shit was I surprised that all three foods I ate that day were equally delicious. One head of cauliflower will cook up two steaks and a whole bunch of extras little pieces of cauliflower to keep in a bag in the fridge to dip in dressing later.
Full (and also simple) directions are on the Tastemade link (above and at the end), but to make the steaks, you'll cut down the middle of a cauliflower and make parallel cuts on either side of your main cut (thank god for her video right). After that it is an immensely simple recipe - sear for 2-3 minutes per side in olive oil, add salt and pepper, throw in the oven on parchment paper at 400° . I flipped them about 15 minutes in then added the balsamic vinegar with a spoon (a tablespoonful on each steak) and grated Parmesan cheese. Voila! Easiest, fanciest veggie main you could ever make. Even my steak-obsessed dad was impressed.
Just for fun, I washed and cut up a few heirloom cherry tomatoes then tossed them in a tiny amount of olive oil and s&p. This made for a sweet and borderline syrupy side that was an amazing compliment to the steaks, without making anything else dirty!
Katie outlined the other options you could dress the steaks with, but I highly recommend the balsamic vinegar/parm combo for your first rodeo. Enjoy! Just in case you missed the link before with Katie's name and Tastemade, here it is again: https://www.tastemade.com/videos/cauliflower-steak